Holding Onto Your Peace: Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays

By Noelle Rizzio, PEL, LCPC

Why boundaries matter, what gets in the way, and how to protect your self-worth during the busiest season of the year.

The holidays can bring joy, connection, and meaning — but they can also bring pressure, overwhelm, and expectations that stretch us far beyond our limits. For both mental health practitioners supporting clients and moms navigating these dynamics personally, boundary-setting becomes an essential skill during this time of year.

Research consistently shows that healthy boundaries are linked to improved psychological well-being, reduced stress, and increased self-esteem (Smith & Hall, 2021; American Psychological Association, 2023). When we honor our limits — emotional, physical, financial, or time-related — we affirm our sense of worth and protect our mental health.

But during the holidays, boundaries aren’t just important. They’re necessary.

Why Boundaries Are Harder During the Holidays

1. Increased Family Expectations

Holidays often activate long-standing family roles, cultural norms, and pressures to “perform” in certain ways. This can make saying no feel like you’re disrupting tradition. Research shows that family obligation is one of the top reasons people avoid setting boundaries (Santos & Garcia, 2020).

2. Mom Guilt and People-Pleasing Tendencies

Moms often feel pressure to create a “magical” holiday experience, which can override their own needs for rest or balance. Self-sacrificing behavior is linked to increased stress and decreased self-worth (Neff & Germer, 2018).

3. Practitioner Burnout

Mental health professionals frequently take on increased emotional labor during the holidays, which can leave them with less energy for their own boundaries. Clinician burnout spikes in late November and December (Rupert & Dorociak, 2019).

4. Holiday Overload: Financial, Emotional, and Time-Based

From gift-giving and gatherings to end-of-year deadlines, the holiday season often demands more than one person can reasonably give. The APA reports that 38% of Americans experience increased stress during the holidays, with lack of time and financial pressure listed as the top contributors (APA, 2023).

Common Situations Where Boundaries Are Tested

1. Overcommitting to Events

You’re asked to attend multiple gatherings, family festivities, or volunteer commitments — even when you’re stretched thin.

2. Food and Body Comments

Relatives comment on your plate, your kids’ plates, or someone’s weight (“Are you sure you want seconds?”).

3. Parenting Critiques

“Why aren’t the kids dressed warmer?”
“You’re too strict.”
“You’re not strict enough.”

4. Gift-Giving Pressure

Expectations to match others’ spending, reciprocate gifts, or participate in every gift exchange.

5. Emotional Labor

Being expected to host, mediate conflicts, or maintain everyone’s holiday spirit.

6. Client/Caseload Pressures (for practitioners)

Requests for last-minute sessions, crisis needs, or guilt around taking time off.

Strategies for Setting Holiday Boundaries — Without the Guilt

1. Start with Self-Reflection

Before you communicate your boundaries, clarify them for yourself.
Ask:

• What matters most to me this season?

• What drains me?

• What brings me joy?

• What do I need to feel grounded?

Self-awareness is the foundation of boundary-setting (Brown, 2012).

2. Communicate Early and Kindly

Setting expectations ahead of time prevents misunderstandings.

Examples:

• “We’re keeping Christmas morning just for our household this year.”

• “We can’t make the party, but we’d love to see you the week after.”

• “I’m fully booked this month, but I can schedule you after the holidays.”

Early communication reduces anxiety for both sides (Linehan, 2015).

3. Keep It Simple: Short Scripts Work Best

You don’t owe a long explanation.

A simple:
“Thank you for thinking of us, but we’re not able to come.”
is enough.

Avoid over-explaining — it invites negotiation.

4. Protect Your Emotional Energy

You can step away from conversations that feel harmful or draining.

For food/body comments:

• “We’re not discussing weight today.”

• “We focus on intuitive eating in our family.”

For parenting critiques:

• “We’re comfortable with our approach.”

Short, neutral statements are highly effective (Neff, 2011).

5. Create Time Boundaries

If you can attend something but need to limit your stay, communicate that upfront:

“We’d love to come, and we’ll be there from 2–4.”

This allows connection without sacrificing your well-being.

6. Set Financial Boundaries Without Shame

Try:

• “We’re keeping gifts simple this year.”

• “Let’s do a family gift exchange instead of individual gifts.”

Holiday spending pressure is a major stressor, and financial boundaries are part of emotional well-being (APA, 2023).

7. For Mental Health Practitioners: Hold Your Caseload Boundaries

You can:

• Close your calendar early

• Set out-of-office dates clearly

• Provide crisis resources

• Remind clients how to prepare for breaks in care

Research shows that proactive boundaries reduce practitioner burnout and increase client outcomes (Rupert & Dorociak, 2019).

8. Expect Discomfort — and Practice Self-Compassion

Even healthy boundaries can trigger guilt or self-doubt.

This is normal.

Self-compassion practices reduce emotional distress and improve follow-through with boundaries (Neff & Germer, 2018).

Try repeating:
“I’m allowed to take care of myself.”
“It’s okay if someone feels disappointed — they’ll adjust.”
“My needs matter, too.”

Final Thoughts

Boundary-setting is not about being rigid, cold, or withdrawn. It’s about protecting your energy, honoring your needs, and supporting your self-worth — something every mom and every mental health practitioner deeply deserves.

When you choose boundaries, you choose peace.
You choose clarity.
You choose you.

And that’s a gift worth giving yourself this holiday season.

References

American Psychological Association. (2023). Stress in America Survey.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly.
Linehan, M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.).
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook.
Rupert, P., & Dorociak, K. (2019). “Self-care, stress, and well-being among practicing psychologists.” Professional Psychology: Research and Practice.
Santos, H., & Garcia, C. (2020). “Family obligation, boundaries, and emotional stress.” Journal of Family Psychology.
Smith, T., & Hall, G. (2021). “Boundary setting and psychological well-being.” Journal of Counseling Psychology.